Since BabyHayes could come any day, now, this might be my last chance to recap some Things You Probably Shouldn't Do While Pregnant. So...here we go!
1...Let your supply of sweets get low or depleted entirely. If so, you'll be found scrounging around the pantry only to end up with an M&M filled candy cane from your Christmas stocking. While it does the trick for satisfying your sweet tooth...you'll be wondering if you should have looked for an expiration date before franticaly ripping the cane in half to devour the goods. (so far...so good :))
2...look at other people's thermostats. If you are feeling a little clammy and just so happen to glance at the thermostat, you might see a note such as the one listed below. 76 degrees. Under normal circumstances this would warrant no extreme response. But while you're watching your extremeties swell like sausages...this will not stir up nice feelings and you'll start looking for surveillance cameras that are going to capture you breaking all rules and adjusting the temp.
3...overthink your decision to ask the chef if they could make an exception to the dinner menu and serve you pancakes (and milk) for dinner. You won't regret that decision. Not one bit.
4...full-frontal hug another preggo. Things just get in the way. Stick to the awkward side-hug.
5...think that elevating your feet above heart level to decrease cankles is an easy task. You'll need all the reinforcement pillows you can find. Or a massive exercise ball. Either way....HOLY FEET and cankles.....these puppies are just unacceptable. Oh and another thing, don't think you won't feel the upper portion of your foot jiggling around when you walk. Because you will. Gross...but true. And I have to speak the truth.
6...volunteer your husband to demonstrate what it looks like to wear scrubs in the Operating Room just because no one else would volunteer in baby class. He might reprimand you later ;) (Please note the amazing faces of the other women. Clearly, they are impressed with the scrub-wearing demonstration, also).
7...also in regards to baby class, be prepared for childlike behavior and comments to surface when bringing your husband along to the breastfeeding portion of the class. Things could get interesting. And the baby he chooses for you to practice on may 1) resemble a turkey and 2) look a little bit to nothing like your future child.
8...forget that you're 9 months pregnant while dancing at your sisters bachelorette party. Don't try to mimic the moves the girls around you are doing so you can look somewhat cool and like you really do know how to dance to techno music. It doesn't look the same anymore. Just make a lot of funny faces and shuffle safely from side to side. Don't hold your back like pictured below. The bouncer will most certainly come to you on the dance floor and ask if you need any water in fear that you'll go into labor on his newly waxed dance floor. While that is exceptional service on his behalf...it's a great reminder that HEY...this probably isn't the best idea you've ever had.
9...be afraid to utilize your belly for a TV tray. It's great for bowls of cereal, oatmeal and cups of tea. I'm gonna miss this luxury.
10...become too envious when you find out about the "Royal Treatment" that was given to women who gave birth the same day as Duchess Kate. This really upset me to have missed out. I have now added to my packing list: tiara and sparkly necklace, as I want to be glammed up like this woman minutes after giving birth. Obviously.
