TYPSDWP - Part IV

Back again, with more cautionary tales of a preggo. 

Without futher adieu....things you probably shouldn't do while pregnant. Part IV. 

1...get a pedicure and put the spa chair on any setting other than something gentle and smooth. Or possibly don't even choose a setting at all! Notice the diagram does not account for a protruding belly and that will become a distraction to the nail technician if you choose anything labeled "knocking," "pushing," "pounding" or "tapping". Trust me. Avoid the awkward eye contact after catching her staring at your belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly.

2...follow all advice found in baby books, no matter how sentimental or sweet it sounds. In your mind (that is a sea of hormonal & sometimes crazy emotions), it might momentarily convince you to head to Hob-Lob, grab some plaster and actually dip your stomach in a bathtub full of plaster and paint it gold. Sleep on this one before making any rash decisions and save that 40% off coupon for a more useful Pinterest DIY craft. Where do you even hang a bronzed belly, anyhow?! Inverted as a fruit bowl in the kitchen? Ok, now that I can visualize, maybe I changed my mind.... 

3...go fishing in a small boat with a weight capacity limit. You'll forget that you have gained all those extra LBs. This way, you won't be embarassed when you are asked to maneuver around the boat to "keep you from getting splashed or wet", which we all know really is a nice way of gently encouraging weight re-distribution in order to keep the boat from stalling (which it may or may not have done several times with you sitting in the back).

4...think you won't enjoy the blood glucose test drink. Because you might. And you might ask for another round. And you might get shot down. 50 grams of sugar to start out your day while preggo?! What are you trying to do to me?!

5...expect to be upset when you order the yogurt with granola and they accidentally give you the yogurt with cookies. It will secretly be the highlight of your day and you'll internally bless the sweet soul that "messed" up your order. (please happen more often)

6...eat copious amounts of Krispy Kreme donuts and chocolate milk. Oh....WAIT a second.........yep, this is another one of those things I'm telling you 'not' to do but you should actually read this as YES, DO THIS. DO IT NOW!!! There's much less guilt involved in this activity when you're pregnant...and wearing the paper hat. 

(Hope all you candy-crushers out there notice my sugar rush reference. What has my life turned into? Can't even eat breakfast without thinking about how to get my next life.)

7...look down at your feet very often. There's a good chance you won't be able to find your ankles, your toes will look like puffy cheetos and you'll consider using them as defense weapons should you be in need. (Ok, don't judge my socks, here. I have no idea why I didn't notice BEFORE my neighborhood walk that my "ankle" socks turned into knee-highs.)

8...when you see a swarm (literally, hundreds) of baby frogs while you're out working, try to chase them down and catch them in cups to give your frog-loving niece. While in heels and work attire. While very pregnant. A nurse in an account you call on might be watching you out the window and might come outside to ask what you're doing/offer assistance (because clearly it is needed). Which, of course, you'll take her offer and have her taking photos with your phone in no time. Also, you probably shouldn't try to transfer frogs to other containers while IN the car. One might jump out onto your floorboard and send you on a wild frog chase frantically looking for the tiny sucker. Before you go into premature labor thinking about how bad a dead frog in your car would smell while you're already in extreme "nesting" mode, avoid this activity. Don't frog-hunt while preggo. Just don't. 

9....pretend like you know how to respond to questions like "Is what you have contagious?! Can I catch it??" or "Do you know how you got in that predicament?" or "Did you swallow a watermelon??" Honestly, no one knows how to answer those questions in a normal manner. Just smile, rub your belly, and feel thankful that you will never see that person again. (hopefully!)

10....do things you'd regret while at the beach such as: contemplate attending naked foam parties or let your husband utilize your womb as a beverage holder. Or take the bottom two pictures, ever. 

That's all for now. Do as I say, not as I do: make good choices, friends. 

:-)