TYPSDWP - - Part III

It's that time again.....Things you probably shouldn't do while pregnant. A shameless part 3. Here she goes.

1....assume that the odd, dark colored line running down the middle of your belly is a botched self-tanner job and try to rub it off. Because, you're right: you didn't put self tanner on your belly! Nor is it just a part of your belly you failed to get clean in the shower. This, my friends, if you're unaware (like I somehow blissfully was), is called the linea nigra and is super common. By far, one of my least favorite surprises of pregnancy thus far but  I'm learning to embrace it as one of the only tan parts of my body these days. Sexy.

2....think that your first trip to register for baby will be anything short of a marathon experience if you know nothing, like us. Nearly 2.5 hours of carseat education from an eager employee and we left with worn out souls, starving bellies, a SUB-PAR knowledge of how to attach a one to a stroller without causing an infant concussion, (let alone the ability to keep a child alive) and only 2 items on said registry: the stroller and a wub-a-nub pacifier. Go us. (Seriously though, how are you supposed to put the baby on the stroller WHILE vigorously shaking and snapping in the 15 pound carseat?! This remains a mystery I'm all too anxious to NOT find out). 

3....be a great wife, spend hours cleaning (specifically sweeping and mopping the long overdue kitchen floors) and then cook dinner. You'll spill a whole bottle full of miniscule parsley flakes and I'll just let your fun imagination conjure up what emotions and actions could follow. 

 4....stand next to this end cap display while in line to check out. It just messes with a pregnant woman's SOUL. Also, for that matter....as context clues will tell you, I was at WalMart. Also, bad for the soul while pregnant. Or....for ANYONE, ANY DAY EVER.

 5....take all the pillows from BOTH hotel beds and think you won't wake up in Heaven. Because you will.....it's awesome. Or you might wake up in a full on night sweat. Not awesome.

6....pretend to dance like you're "normal" and put the moves on your husband without a little something getting in between you. Or think that people won't immediately clear the dance floor to watch the horrid scene and give you space. 

Even worse: do not let anyone capture video footage. You just don't look the same. Nor do you have any sort of balance or style anymore.

While on the subject of dancing....don't spend your Saturday mornings wearing a robe (sometimes the only thing that feels comfortable), your husbands cowboy hat and a neck brace. You'll end up doing this and looking like something out of a horror movie: 

7....ever leave home without these. Or Zantac. Or both. Or assume that you'll never feel like a fire-breathing dragon. 

 8....let your yard & weeds get out of control while focusing on things inside for baby. Though it could double as an impressive 2nd Christmas tree this year, I'd say this sucker was uncalled for! And growing through a brick, I might add. Impressive. (to be fair to my awesome, yard-whisperer of a husband, it was on the side of our house we never see, so it was easily & clearly overlooked amidst the excitement of prepping for baby Hayes;))

 9....pose with a non-pregnant, buff friend like THIS....

 10....again, have any sort of shame for loving condiments in their purest, simplest form. Then remember #7 above.

11....drink while you're with child. But when you do, make sure it's a Dos Equis. (SURELY a disclaimer is not needed that this is not an endorsement to boozing while pregnant. I may eat double cheeseburgers and ketchup a la carte...but not a drop of alc has entered this bod. Nor should it yours.)

12....repeatedly ask your OB-gyn if they have ever delivered any babies with teeth. Just because it might be your obsessive, ridiculous nightmare, doesn't mean it is all that common. And on the same note, don't listen to your husbands wild dreams, either. He might tell you that he dreamed your child was born with a reddish-tinted beard. That will quickly replace your previous fear and you'll gladly accept a newborn with pearly whites versus one you need to bust out the electric razor on in the hospital. 

That's all for now.....let's hope :)